you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
