if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
