Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i love accidental penises.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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