I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
