Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
