wakey wakey hands off snakey
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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