my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Randomize
