Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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