wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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