On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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