the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
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