He disabled his match.com account in front of me
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
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