they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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