Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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