everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
