You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
