this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
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