Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
