I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
