just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
