I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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