you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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