dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
