Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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