you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
bring money and cleavage
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Randomize
