I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
