yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
