I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
