Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
