Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
