there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
