I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
im drinking this country out of the recession.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
