im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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