I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
