ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
