Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
