I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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