I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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