my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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