Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
