At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Randomize
