Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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