I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
In other news, I just burned my penis
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
