is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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