Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
