perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
