I cannot find my penis.
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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