If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
