Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
