There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
