Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
