The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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