Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
